MY BOYFRIEND HAS ANGER ISSUES

Dear Sir,

I am 17 and I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He is 21. We have a good relationship, but obviously being young we have our ups and downs. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and most of the time I enjoy being with him, but he has a very bad anger issues. I usually know how to deal with him, but recently our relationship become badly, and I am trying very hard to keep everything perfect between us and making sure I don’t make one bad move to upset him. The other day he got really mad and hit me. It was not a hard hit, but he did a few times when I shouted at him and pushed him when he did it the first time. I was left with a small lump on my head and I completely freak out. I knew he had a bad day at work and was very tired, but still don’t see that as any excuse. Right now we’re ok, but I feel like I should have ended the relationship after he hit me. The reason I did not is because I know he has anger issues and I know that the way he behaved that day was really not him, it felt like a different person. The thing is, I don’t know how to handle this situation. I don’t know if he will do it again. It felt he enjoyed me being scared and him in control. Still, I don’t want to leave him. I want our relationship to work. What can I do? Can we go and get counseling or something?

Worried

Dear Worried,

To answer the question you have not asked, yes, I believe you should have ended the relationship after he hit you because it will happen again. You cannot tiptoe around him afraid to as you put it “make one bad move”. That is not okay and that is no way to live. He has serious anger issues and he is an abuser as well. Of course he enjoyed being in control and you being afraid of him, that is how abusers operate; it’s all about control. I would still urge that you end the relationship now. Even though you want to think that things are okay, you know they are not; if they were, you would not have not write about it. Maybe counseling will help him, but he has to first recognize that he has a problem and then want to fix it. You need to speak to him about this. If he agrees, go ahead and get the counseling.

                                                               

I CAN'T GET MY EX OUT OF MY HEAD

Dear Sir,

I am 19 years old. I like to think that my head screwed on right, but with this situation I am not sure. I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 8 months now, and everything seemed perfect until I met my ex again. Now I can’t get my ex boyfriend, who I was with for over a year, out of my head. The thing is that I was the one who ended it and I thought I was happy. There was a reason why I ended it. But now I am thinking that maybe we just needed some time apart and that I have rushed into this relationship

Confuse

Dear confuse,

Ask yourself this question, was the reason you ended the relationship something that could be sort out by taking a time out? If so, why didn’t you do that then? I believe you ended it because of something fundamental and if that is the case then it should stay ended. Time heals hurts and distance has a way of making issues seem not as serious as they really are. If everything was perfect then maybe the problem is not that you were still in love with your ex all along, but that his absence has caused you to think of him fondly. You are the only person who can know what you really want, but try not to get too caught up in old romantic feelings. Your answers to the two questions I asked above should inform the decision you finally make. 

NUDE PHOTO

Dear Sir,

I am a 17- year old with a big problem. On Christmas Eve, I spent the night with my boyfriend, who is 24 years old. We were supposed to go out, but he was running late and I went to his house to wait until he was ready. We ended up having sex and stay there talking until it was almost day clean. It was not the first time for either of us and I guess I knew it was going to happen. He spent Christmas day with me and my family and is seemed the relationship was up another level, but it did not last. One week later, on old year’s night, he lent me his laptop to send out some emails and when I was finished, I started looking at his pictures. I was shocked to see a picture of a naked girl. This is not something he downloaded from the internet (like porn). This was a picture of a real person who I knew- a girl who he had told me was his cousin. In addition, she was posing on his bed- on the same sheet I was sitting on at the time. I was very, very upset and more so when I confronted him and he tried to turn the whole thing on me. He said I had no right to view his photos. He admitted that the girl was not his cousin but refuse to say anything else about it. I am still sad about the whole issue and we are barely speaking. By the way we were supposed to be together again on old year’s night but I told him I was too upset. I thought he would have tried to comfort me and get me to change my mind but he just left and did not called until the night of January 2^nd. From then to today we have spoken twice and both times ended with a fight. I still love him, but don’t feel I can trust him. What should I say?

Sad  

Dear Sad,

Your boyfriend has flunked every test. You knew he had a past, but not that it was still a part of his present. Some men are into taking nude photos of their girlfriends, but they rarely, if ever, leave them where the current girlfriend can find them. Your boyfriend should have deleted that photo before lending you his laptop. Most people are curious and would take a peek at photos. I am sure who would have view yours if it was the other way around. However, the fact that he lied, refuses and that his bed linen was the same as in the photo, points to the relationship with the poser being current. It would almost impossible for you to trust him again and what is worst is that he tried to blame you for viewing the photo. I would suggest that you leave your boyfriend to his “cousin”; chalk this walk up to a bad experience and move on. Given his attitude it doesn’t seem like it’s going to get any better

WHAT'S THIS DISCHARGE

Dear sir,

I am 12 years old and will be 13 in 2 weeks time. I have not started my period as yet. My problem is that I have a discharge, which sometimes gets itchy. Can you say what could be the cause please?

Worried

Dear Worried,

About 6 months to 1 year before a girl gets her first period, her body may start to produce vaginal discharge. This is normal and is caused by the changing level of hormones in then body, resulting in an increase in secretions in the vagina. This discharge helps keep the vagina healthy. Normal vaginal fluids vary in texture from thin and slightly sticky to thick and gooey. They also vary in color, ranging from clear to white or off-white. The amount of discharge can vary depending upon a girl’s menstrual cycle. For example, fluids tend to be a bit heavier around the time a girl ovulates, which is when an egg is release from the ovary and moves into the fallopian tube. Normal discharge should have only a slight odour and should never cause itching or burning. Symptoms like itching, a strong odour, or a change in colour (such as to brown, gray, or green) indicate that a girl may have a vaginal infection and needs to see a doctor. Sometimes a normal vaginal discharge can irritate the skin and cause itching. This is due to the moisture against the skin. You can prevent skin irritation in the vaginal area, especially when it’s hot and humid outside, by wearing cotton underwear and avoiding clothes that are tight. It’s also important to keep your body clean by bathing regularly.

I CANNOT STAND HIS NASTY WORDS

Dear Sir,

How do you deal with someone who tells you he loves you but calls you dumb, hangs up the phone on you, tells you you’re ugly, miserable and fat? My boyfriend does this to me and sometimes even when we don’t have an argument or fight, out of the blue he starts saying nasty things to me. Then when I cry, he leaves. Then he come back the next day or two days and says he’s sorry, he loves me and he will not do it again. Sometimes he even cries, but then he ends up doing it again. Why does he hurt me this way?

Hurt

Dear Hurt,

Run! Get yourself far away from this abuser. You do not deal with someone like that. He is sick. He obviously gets pleasure from hurting you and the longer you stay with him the likelier the chance that his abuse of you can become physical. The constant verbal abuse will also damage your self esteem. Please do not allow anyone to treat you this way in the name of love. No one who loves you will ever behave like that towards you.

I DON'T LIKE THE WAY MY HIPS LOOK

Dear Sir,

I am just 14 years old, but I have a lot of fat on my hips and a big butt. I don’t like it. How can I get rid of it quickly?

Too much

Dear Too much,

Weight loss is tricky, lots of people are unhappy with their present weight, but most aren’t sure how to change it – and many would be better staying the way they are. You may want to look like models or actors in magazines and on TV, but those goals might not be healthy or realistic for you. Look at your mother and other female relations/members of your family. If so, then your well – developed hips are probably genetic – they run through your family. When this is the case, there is not much you can do about it. What you can do, is look at weight control. You should try to eat healthily and exercise so that while you retain your genetic shape, you don’t have ‘a lot of fat’ to deal with. Ditch the junk food and dig out the fruits and veggies! Five servings of fruit and veggies aren’t just good idea to help you lose weight – they’ll help keep your heart and the rest of your body healthy. Other suggestions for eating well: replace white bread with whole wheat, trade your sugar soda for water and low- fat milk, and make sure you get a healthy breakfast. And get moving- exercise is key to keeping the weight off. At your age, as long as you are healthy, it will not be too difficult.

I CAUGHT MY HUSBAND CHEATING

Dear Sir,

I caught my husband cheating with a co-worker, after he had denied it for over a year and repeatedly called me crazy for “seeing something that wasn’t there.” I feel hurt, betrayed and hurt. I alternate between wanting nothing more to do with him and feeling desperate to fix this. But if he was able to lie to my face for months, and suggest I was the crazy one for suspecting him, is there any chance this can be fixed?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

When you’ve been hurt, lied to and humiliated in such spectacular fashion, it’s an understandable impulse to want to rewrite the ending. Common, too - there’s a reason that crawling back to naughty exes has become a cliché. People crave that new ending. “He really loves me”……”losing me finally woke her up”…” I make him want to be a better person.” On (very) rare occasions the rewrite is true, which make it even more tempting; who doesn’t want to be special? Problem is, what you had was someone who used your love as an opportunity to get double the romantic attention- the risk of discovery adding a dash of adventure- and who exploited your preference for a happy ending to buy him extra duplicitous months. It’s absolutely not your fault – unless you go back for seconds. There’s nothing here to fix but your peace of mind, and only distance from him will do that.

WHY DOESN'T HE APPRECIATE ME?

PROBLEM

Dear sir,

I enjoyed reading your column and I would appreciate if you could help me. How do you get a person to appreciate you? I always go out of my way for my boyfriend, but he never seems to do the same for me. For example, he was going abroad for a few weeks and instead of choosing to be with me the night before he left, he went to a club and didn’t call me until 3 o’ clock in the morning. I am at my breaking point. Can you help me?

Frustrated

ANSWER

Dear frustrated,

Have you tell your boyfriend how you feel? Let him know what’s on your mind, and how his actions and behavior affect you. Do this at a “neutral” point in time-you might want to tell him that you’d like to talk to him and set aside a time and place for your discussion. Choose a time when you know both of you will be relax, have enough time to have a meaningful conversation, and not be interrupted. Before your talk, think about what you want to tell him- it maybe helpful for you o write down your thoughts and feelings. Don’t be accusatory since this might only put him on the defensive, causing him not to be as open to what you are saying. The next step is his. Listen carefully to what he says and how he responds. Often, people give what they need. With this in mind, another approach might be to give a little less to this relationship for a while and see what happens. If you still feel unappreciated, then perhaps you need to move on. You can’t make another person do anything in any way that you see fit. You can only let her/him in your thoughts and feels, and then see what s/he does with that insight.

CONFUSE

Dear sir

I NEED an outsider’s perspective because I can’t ask my close friends. I am 21, and one of my best friends is 26. I met him a year ago through a mutual friend, and upon our first meeting, we talked all night about life and such. Ever since then, I harboured feelings for him. We didn’t become close until this past spring at a party. I was so shy, that if it wasn’t for my sorority sister, I wouldn’t have gone at all. Since then, we have literally been inseparable. This past summer, he invited me to accompany him to his brother’s birthday party. On the way home, he brought up the subject that he couldn’t date me. I was totally caught off guard. Who doesn’t bring up things that aren’t on their mind already? And mind you, when you already have this little crush forming, it’s hard to bounce back after they tell you. He then brings up my other sorority sister and wants to know what I think of her, saying, “I wouldn’t date her if you don’t like her.” Well, then they started dating …everybody loves them together they are so cute together and so forth. This is why I can’t bring this up to my closest friends. I don’t want to destroy the golden couples, because, believe it or not, I was on the opposite side once, and a ‘sister’ swooped in and took my guy away from me. My best friend and I are still inseparable; we talk for hours a week. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way for anyone-guy or girl friend. With him, I can be myself; he understands my sense of humour, and knows what I’m going to say before I said it. But it’s getting harder to see them together. She now considers me to be one of her closest friends, too, and is so happy I played a mild part in putting them together. So, here are my choices: Continue to be there closest friends and don’t tell him; tell him how I fell and risk losing one of the closest friendship I have ever had in years; or slowly distance myself from them, which is hard to do, because we spend so much time together.

CONFUSE

Answer

Dear confuse,

You could know the future, like knowing when you are going to die, but would that be a good thing? Especially if it’s nothing you can change. Do you need him to you he doesn’t find you attractive in that way? What would that do to your friendship? And your morale? The added little something that changes a great friend into the one for you isn’t there. Asking about it will strain him. Things will get more awkward. He doesn’t need to give you a No. Because he brought the issue up, you would like to believe he was thinking about dating you. It is more likely he knows you would like to date him, and he gave you his answer. Don’t exactly separate yourself from the golden couple’, but have more time apart so your one can appear. Perhaps the kismet here is through him, you will meet the man for you. Or the space you create between you and him will allow the right one to appear. Part of why you covet him is he is all you see. But your relationship is not ‘eyes across a crowded room and some enchanted evening’. Don’t be stuck hoping that he will warm up to you like a comfortable old robe. The unsaid core of the relationship self-help industry is these books are not about changing yourself; they are about helping yourself to someone else. That doesn’t work. Care about him as a friend, want the best for him. If he is happy with her, that should make you happy, too. But free yourself to find what your heart desires.