CONFUSE

Dear sir

I NEED an outsider’s perspective because I can’t ask my close friends. I am 21, and one of my best friends is 26. I met him a year ago through a mutual friend, and upon our first meeting, we talked all night about life and such. Ever since then, I harboured feelings for him. We didn’t become close until this past spring at a party. I was so shy, that if it wasn’t for my sorority sister, I wouldn’t have gone at all. Since then, we have literally been inseparable. This past summer, he invited me to accompany him to his brother’s birthday party. On the way home, he brought up the subject that he couldn’t date me. I was totally caught off guard. Who doesn’t bring up things that aren’t on their mind already? And mind you, when you already have this little crush forming, it’s hard to bounce back after they tell you. He then brings up my other sorority sister and wants to know what I think of her, saying, “I wouldn’t date her if you don’t like her.” Well, then they started dating …everybody loves them together they are so cute together and so forth. This is why I can’t bring this up to my closest friends. I don’t want to destroy the golden couples, because, believe it or not, I was on the opposite side once, and a ‘sister’ swooped in and took my guy away from me. My best friend and I are still inseparable; we talk for hours a week. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way for anyone-guy or girl friend. With him, I can be myself; he understands my sense of humour, and knows what I’m going to say before I said it. But it’s getting harder to see them together. She now considers me to be one of her closest friends, too, and is so happy I played a mild part in putting them together. So, here are my choices: Continue to be there closest friends and don’t tell him; tell him how I fell and risk losing one of the closest friendship I have ever had in years; or slowly distance myself from them, which is hard to do, because we spend so much time together.

CONFUSE

Answer

Dear confuse,

You could know the future, like knowing when you are going to die, but would that be a good thing? Especially if it’s nothing you can change. Do you need him to you he doesn’t find you attractive in that way? What would that do to your friendship? And your morale? The added little something that changes a great friend into the one for you isn’t there. Asking about it will strain him. Things will get more awkward. He doesn’t need to give you a No. Because he brought the issue up, you would like to believe he was thinking about dating you. It is more likely he knows you would like to date him, and he gave you his answer. Don’t exactly separate yourself from the golden couple’, but have more time apart so your one can appear. Perhaps the kismet here is through him, you will meet the man for you. Or the space you create between you and him will allow the right one to appear. Part of why you covet him is he is all you see. But your relationship is not ‘eyes across a crowded room and some enchanted evening’. Don’t be stuck hoping that he will warm up to you like a comfortable old robe. The unsaid core of the relationship self-help industry is these books are not about changing yourself; they are about helping yourself to someone else. That doesn’t work. Care about him as a friend, want the best for him. If he is happy with her, that should make you happy, too. But free yourself to find what your heart desires.